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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in my demons' LiveJournal:

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Thursday, September 2nd, 2004
1:05 am
I'm having many growing impure thoughts about her. Her ass is shaped like an up-side down heart...when I give her a back massage, and rub down near her tail-bone the way she likes, it makes my nostrils flare out widely and I take deeper breaths.

Current Mood: horny
Wednesday, March 19th, 2003
1:07 pm
There's a hole inside
that some would call three miles wide
And I have no choice but to jump inside
And lose myself in the swirling the twirling
the dancing and curling
the killing and spilling of the blood I hold inside
That I pour from my eyes into your little tea cup
and hey guess what's up
with me today-never mind you hardly ask
Too much of a task and I wonder if you really care
or even if you listen can not find rhyme or a reason
and my tears they glisten when they fall on your lips
when you brush them away with your finger tips
And then lick them away with your heroine tongue
So addictive so fine so smoothe
wanna make my move run my hand through the groove
of your spine
And trace your tiny arms with the tip of my tongue
I've fallen down the ladder to the bottom rung
there's no more ledge for me to hold on too, and this little root is sticking offering to keep me from rocks
And all I can do is fill up my socks
with sweat that dribbles down so akin to my tears
And the silence closes 'round just like all my fears
so constricting my poor little heart
and each of its frail beats so far apart
and I'm wondering when I'll die
And precisely when I start
cause when I'm gonna go I wanna do it grand
wanna go out with a shout and a sword in my hand
let the demons pile on me
come seeking to test my fire
I'll lay my blade of steel into their quivering flesh
And you
My angel seraphim made of the most precious glass
Just standing behind me with your face 'hind a mask
and I know it is you standing somewhere to my south
BUt when I cry out to you I have sand in my mouth
And that's all that fills your ears and that's all you ever hear
from me- nothing.

Current Mood: depressed
12:43 pm
Systematic Breakdown
There's a systematic breakdown
of inner mental barriers
They're all getting kicked right in their little derriers
I am just man trying to live my length of life
and the man with the whip has a hand on my knife
And I can not seem to find a single way out
locked up in this chamber of inner self-doubt
And while walking with grace
and a smile on my face
Tears trace the scars that no one can erase
and it's 96 tears until the deep void is full
And I'm tired and worn-time is taking its toll
And my knife is deep within in me and I'm about to pull
the blade out
and it's gonna let my blood come bubbling forth
As I bleed upon the floor I die facing the north
Like the old spanish moss on a forest tree this is the way
That it was meant to be and so my destiny
has become completely fulfilled
my fates have finished speaking and my will has been killed
So if you wanna give a hand put it on the hilt
I need it more then ever let my life be spilt
I love you more than anything more than myself
But all I wanna do is just fall down and cry
But there's no one here to taste my tears
And I'm starting to fall.

Current Mood: depressed
11:45 am
well well welllllll
heh I haven't updated this journal in quite some time...although... well yeah..I haven't. Might as well start now eh?

Lesseeeee....I feel like a pile of heaped up animal feces (wonderful way to start off new entries after not putting them in for a while huh?)

My life isn't turning out the way I wanted it to (JOIN THE FUCKING CLUB OKAY?! -dennis leary)

1) I'm sad
2) I'm surrounded by people yet strangely alone
3) I have nothing to do around here
4) I miss Allison
5) I feel like me and Allison are on extremely bad footing for some reason, like something's happening, and has been happening for a while. I wonder when it will start not happening...
6) I can never talk to Allison about it cause she either doesn't listen, or is too consumed with herself and her accomplishments to take much notice in me or mine.
7) I am fighting off a barage of viral attackers (one of which might [just might] be SARS -although I doubt it-)
8) I'm not as fast a runner as I used to be (that won't be a problem for long though, I'm going to re-build that muscle)
9) Sometimes work at CCV starts piling up on me.
10) Weird person staring at me right now *glares back* ok all better.
11) People with no respect or human decency in rutland (a lot of them) Although I can't blame them, this city swallows a lot of lives. If you live here, you have to fight to get out, or you'll be stuck for good.
12) Bush is going to war with no good reason.
13) I'm sad.
14) I find myself wishing I would die in my sleep sometimes.
15) I have nothing to DO around here for christ sakes besides sit in fron tof this damned machine for a while, then go home and sit in front of a different machine, or Sometimes I do homework and clean my room. Wheeee...
16) I am nothing more than human. And I don't like to think of myself as human. But the signs are all there....I look like one, smell like one, act like one, feel like one...and yes..i taste like one. *sigh*
17) I'm not the only one who feels like shit. I imagine there are a large number of others out there who feel like shit as well, so all of those out there who feel like shit as well, type the words smelly and squishy in a comment followed by anything else you'd like to say.

Enjoy the delightful pain.
Wednesday, March 6th, 2002
11:07 pm
well.........well well well

SEX is grand
SEX is good
With sex around?
Who needs snood?!
Tuesday, January 22nd, 2002
12:02 am


I LOVE YOU, I love you a lot.....and I understand I have my problems, and thank you for sticking with me through them. But hey, that's part of being in a relationship right? I understand yours, and vice versa.

"You took away the razor blade,
and stuck the glass knife in
I am bleeding just for you
And now our time grows thin."

Our time isn't growing thin, but It rhymed and I was leaving a couple days later so I wrote it because it popped into my head.


_____________________>ILOVE YOU<____________________________ get it? Only you, no one else can take your place in my life right now. You didn't call last night, but that's ok, I'll jsut wait for you to call me before I call you. steve
Friday, January 18th, 2002
9:45 pm
allison I love you
I'll love you every day
Allison I want you
I want you in every way
9:10 pm
I have nothing to say except: *deep breath*

Life's a fucking bitch who needs to be shot so that I can die in peace. I know that if I die My spirit will be able to fly frree and uninhibited I won't have to deal with the problems of mortal men and women. Life just keeps going on and on and on
I feel as if my time should be ovder right now. But I'm glad it's not I have the most wonderful person in the world by my side, and I hope it stays that way forever. I can't imagine or forsee myself with anyone else, yet something deep inside says we won't be together forever. MAybe just until I'm 60....;-)

ah well. i would like ot be with her forever.
and to sjust see her and her children that I have fathered woukld be abosolutely fantastic.

I hope we do. The other day I made a wish for me and allison to be together forever when I saw a shooting star, and then a snowflake landed on my topngue and felt like it was burning, I let it stay and I could feel the place where it landed for the rest of the night, and then a little bit when I woke up. It was so cool. Maybe that wish will at least come true. Because even if me and her don't get married and have children, or don't even stay together sexually, I will still be glad that I get to know her forever. I love her so much. I would die for her. She means so god damned much to me, I can't believe it. I've never felt this way for anyone before. NOt to this degree
*whine* I miss her SO much.
Sunday, January 13th, 2002
3:27 pm
The way you're bathed in light
reminds me of that night
god layed me down into your woes
garden of trust
And I was swept away
with nothing left to say
some helpless fool
yet I was lost in a swoon of peace
YOu're all I need to find
So when the time is right
Come to me sweetly come to meeeeeee

love will lead us alright
love will lead us she will lead us
Can you hear the dolphins cry?
See the road rise up to meet us
chill the air with me tonight
Love will lead us she will lead us

Oh dear we meet again
it's like we never left
time in between was just a dream
did we leave this place
this crazy fog surrounds me
you wrap your legs around me
all i can do to try and breathe
yeah let me breathe
sooner or later baby, so we can get together


Life is like a shooting star
it don't matter who you are
if you only run for cover
It's just a waste of time
we have rights to be afar
spirits rise up from the ground
and all these wars are over

Life is like a shooting star
it don't matter who you are
if you only run for cover
It's just a waste of time
we have rights to be afar
spirits rise up from the ground
and all these wars are over

over over over over

Tuesday, December 11th, 2001
7:13 pm
3y3 mi55 j00 4lli50n. 3y3 l0v3 j00 45 w311.
3y3 w4n7 50 much 70 83 8y j00r 5id3 f0r 4ll 0f 373rni7y.
m4y w3 n3v3r p4r7, n0 m4773r wh47 ill 7im35 83f4ll u5.
3y3 l0v3 j00.

7H3 M4d h4773r

Current Mood: I feel SO l33t
12:45 pm
la la la
Wow, I look like a Guns 'n' Roses wannabe :0)

la la la :0)


tHe MAd hatTEr
7:19 am
3y3 mi55 j00 4lli50n. 3y3 l0v3 j00 45 w311.
3y3 w4n7 50 much 70 83 8y j00r 5id3 f0r 4ll 0f 373rni7y.
m4y w3 n3v3r p4r7, n0 m4773r wh47 ill 7im35 83f4ll u5.
3y3 l0v3 j00.

7H3 M4d h4773r

Current Mood: I feel SO l33t
Monday, December 10th, 2001
12:06 pm
It's good to be in direct communication with the one you love. I miss her so much. I want to hold her close to me, feel her breath on my enck, her eye lashes on my cheek, the soft rise and fall of her body w/ each breath.

*sigh* I miss her so much.

GRAH damn all of you who would take her form me!!!

"The putney Admin. took my baby away,
they took her away, away from me..."

la la la.


Current Mood: annoyed
Sunday, December 9th, 2001
9:26 am





I miss you.

"Though the body moves, the soul may stay behind (i miss you)" GRAH


i love you so much...

Wednesday, November 7th, 2001
7:57 pm
my life is interesting
my demons like to run all around my body today. grah. i care for her so much. i can't get over it. but i've gotten over her now-ish. grah many things are not going wellish today. good night all. I want to hold her to me, I WANT TO hold her to me. i want to be there for her. i hope she's ok. i hope she's going to be ok. my lfie is way to fucked up. it's like a fucking movie of melodramaticness. so many fucked up situations. grah.

Sunday, November 4th, 2001
8:17 pm
oh poop.
Well I was going to tell her something, but she quickly forgot that I was about to speak to her. Ah well. I wish her happiness. I think she's getting together with the person she was walking back to her dorm with, I dunno, but it just seems that way. I will always love her, but it's still hard. I will forever hold her dear.

Steve's little demon of sorrow/woe
12:09 pm
The desires we deny we define as fate--Mephistophiles
I want allison badly.
Insanely. PArt of me is screaming at the other part for not hunting her down and spending time with her every waking moment.
But then the other part of me smacks that part with a two-by-four, and then says: You idjot!! She ain't with you anymore!! And no matter how much you want a spiritual relationship with her, that's not spectacularly high right now either. FAce it!! You're gone. You're not feminine enough for her. Be happy with what you had. I don't care if you do want to make love to her again, be it for your own enjoyment or the feeling of connectedness. IT'S PRETTY MUCH OVER. DEAD. GONE. SAY GOODBYE AND MOVE ON.
Then the other part gets back up, brushes itself off and shoots the other part. Then says: "But I will always love her, no matter what. It may just be a different form of love, but I will always love her. No matter what happens every now and then.

But yeah, I feel as if she doesn't have much of a desire to see me anymore, and it's kind of frustrating, but oh fucking well. I just mis sher so much, and part of me is saying "Well, love making is something ppl in love do, and you teo are in love still, so why not? But then rationality kicks in and merely says "Youuuuu dumb ass. You done stabbed yourself retarded. Get real, taht shit ain't happening yo." And then I agree and go somewhere else inside my head for a while.

Current Mood: annoyed
Thursday, October 18th, 2001
1:34 pm
hey everybody, guess what?
I'm going nucking futs
Sunday, October 14th, 2001
10:30 pm
WARNING!!! Sex can lead to intense sensory perception!!! COLORS CAN APPEAR BRIGHTER THAN THEY ARE!!!
wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow

hmmm "wow" is upside down "mom" so why the hell have I heard all ths shit about ppl callign others daddy when they have sex? Shouldn't they be screaming "mommy" or something????

That animalistic sex yesterday was great.

She gave me huge compliments between saturday and sunday night study hours.

1st: "I'm sorry, but frankly you have a huge penis."
*yay that's happy to hear, although I don't know how much she likes it....*
2nd: "I love your body, it's so smooth and hard...and sexy..."
*that's also intensly happy*
3rd: "You're the best I've ever had" when I asked if she meant as a boyfriend or sexually, she said "both" *at least I think she did, I may be just delusional*
And she also came as well when we had animal sex the other day. That was also a compliment of immense proportions.
I really have to start doing homework otherwise I'm gonna be dead, really dead.
I just wish she'd ask to "go for a hike" sometime, cause I hate feeling as if I'm only asking for it when I want it. I want her to want it too. And she appears to...

Current Mood: horny
Friday, October 12th, 2001
1:03 am
hmmmm I've just realized somehting
now she said that she broke up with him because of his ex girlfriend saying shit and because of how she thought of the condoms more and then jumped to the what I think was a good assumption that he screwed around with them before sex.
But now it's occuring to me that she was breaking up with him before any of that came about. I wonder if she was actually going to break up with him otherwise, even though she said she was...
But it also ocurs to me that she didn't ask whether I wanted to be in a relationship with him involved as well. Ah well. Another thing is that I feel it would be good to talk to rick, as long as certain promises were made on both sides. AKA no talking shit to eachother, just a conversation. And it's going to have to happen one of these days, she can't avoid the fact.
I don't want to upset you with any of this Alice, but it's just what's on my mind. And since no comment is necessary, I'm not allowing comments to be made on this. Thus solving the problem of starting an argument over Livejournal. If you'd like to discuss it, talk to me in person, otherwise, this is just to let you know what's on my mind.

My Demons

Current Mood: cynical
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